A Proposal

BUZZ!

Chris_077: O bar? Haha

Teban: Hahaha. Im leaving for Dumaguete later. Im still packing.

Chris_077: Awww. Kelan balik mo?

Teban: Sunday

Chris_077: Ah okies

Teban: Baka may date ka pwede irecommend sa akin. Hahahaha

Chris_077: Meron akong suggestion... pero di date. Hahaha

Teban: Ano?

Chris_077: Kaya lang nakakahiya yung suggestion ko

Chris_077: Hahahaha

Chris_077: Kailangan ata maglasing muna ako bago ko sabihin

Chris_077: Hahaha

Teban: Ngek

Teban: Bakit?

Teban: Ano ba.

Teban: Ako lang naman. Im the most open person.

Teban: Hehehe

Chris_077: Sabi mo yan ah

Teban: Go!

Chris_077: 3some ka sa amin ng bf ko.

Chris_077: Hahaha

I paused.

And, unconsciously, I started biting my nails. I waited for my messenger to prompt… Chris_077 is typing a message. But it just showed last message received…

Teban: Serious?

Chris_077: Yeah

Chris_077: Serious.

I don’t know how to react. I was elated, flattered, surprised, and stunned (all at the same time). Chris_077 is a crush of mine since I saw him. Tall. Chinese looking. A graduate from a good school. Can carry a good conversation.

Teban: Sheesh.

Teban: Bur I know you, Chris_077

Teban: *But

Chris_077: No strings attached of course.

Teban: Of course, I know that.

Chris_077: It was just a suggestion

Chris_077: Haha

Chris_077: But I wont mind if you say yes.

I don’t think I can do this. Don’t get me wrong, I score very high in personality measures of openness to experience. I have done three ways too - couples, strangers, group fun. But a proposal like this from someone I like…

Teban: Im very tempted.

Teban: Not of the threesome

Teban: But because I like you.

Chris_077: Well. Then it's settled.

Chris_077: Alam mo naman na like din kita di ba? I might as well invite someone na gusto ko.

It wasn’t the first time that Chris_077 and I confessed that we like each other. But, Fate did not conspire for us to really go out on a date. Palaging wala sa timing. When I am not dating someone seriously, he is in a relationship. When he is not in a relationship, I am dating someone exclusively. Plus, we live in opposite sides of the metro (Physical proximity does matter!)

So, we are contented in buzzing, chatting, and swapping stories about our life and boys over Yahoo messenger.

My id is nagging me now, “Come on, Teban – this could be your only chance. If you can’t have him, at least you can taste him!”

I agree but something disturbed me and I was thinking… ruminating.

This is Chris_077.

Chris_077 – who keeps me company during my lonely yet hunting hours over YM.

Chris_077 – who listens to my woe about my ex, M.

Chris_077 – who flirts with me as we exchange sex fantasies and stories.

Chris_077 - whom I sometimes fantasize.

Chris_077 – whom I sometimes wish to have hot passionate sex.

(If we were in the same city? Hah! This flirting would already have climaxed!)

The dilemma is not a moral one. It is more of letting go a romantic story - letting go of a possible what if.

I like what we have right now. I like the flirting, the game, the uncertainty.

If I want something certain from this, I just do not want hot sex from him. I want passionate love-making. I want to feel him and to connect to him. I want him to feel and to connect to me too. With this proposal, can I really connect to him or will I just be worried on how to satisfy him and (rolling my eyes here) his boyfriend?

Simple. If we are to do it, I do not want to share him.

Does that make sense?

I always believe that humans are active information processors and our behavior is motivated by our goals. “Change your goal, you will be surprised that your feelings and behaviors will change,” I hear myself saying this to my class.

So I ask, what is my relationship goal for Chris_077?

In my mind, I have two options.

First, accept the proposal.

And I can see how the story will unfold and how my behavior will change. I will relate to Chris_077 as a fuck buddy. This is a definite plot, with definite characters portraying the roles, a definite ending - no strings attached. (It was a little disappointed when he said this because I want the strings!)

Second, take the proposal humorously, an ego boost and… maybe.... wait…

And as the same way, I can see how the story will unfold and how my behavior will change. But this time, in my mind, the plot or plots are uncertain. Endings vary. But the possibilities - the what ifs - is exciting… and romantic.

Some endings might be about us having hot passionate love-making. Some endings might stay the same - buzzing, chatting, and swapping stories about our life and boys over Yahoo messenger.

Teban: Im so flattered Chris_077. Gosh, I don’t know what hit me. I feel that my spirit just flew.

Chris_077: Well, at least we both have something to look forward to.

Chris_077: O sya. I have to hit O

Chris_077: Gotta get ready.

Chris_077: Text me ok? It's like "call me". Walang deadline.