Drive Reduction

I had a strong urge today. It was so strong that I was shaking. My mind already conjured fantasies and possible lies. I attributed parts of this anxiety from a certain project I need to finish. I am experiencing too much stress. I want to displace this anxiety. I want someone to soothe this anxiety. I want to have contact - physical [and wild] contact.

Freudian psychoanalysis theorized that this negative state of tension needs to be released. Drives, sexual or not, need to be satisfied or reduced so that one returns to a state of homeostasis and relaxation.

I had the same urge two nights ago too. Same feeling, same situation but I decided to meet up with my boyfriend and spend the night at his place. I did not tell him my struggle but his presence and home made me feel safe, secure, and loved. His home always makes me feel safe, secure, and even pure! I was glad to have made that decision.

Tonight, however, my boyfriend is in Cebu and I am here in Malate.

Malate…

Malate sometimes tempts me. Whispers to me wild ideas. Seduces me. A bathhouse is just three blocks away from my place. I have my own room and my housemates are not at home until midnight. Taft-Pedro Gil-meet-up-now abound in gay chatrooms!

I wish I had someone like an alcoholic anonymous ‘partner’ that you can readily call when a recovering alcoholic craves for alcohol – just to keep you company and talk about things until the craving wanes. I feel I needed someone tonight who will just keep me company and talk about things until the craving wanes.

So I had to go out and do something. I had to return to a state of homeostasis.

I went to SM Harrison and displaced my urges through shopping. I bought an Imarflex portable steam iron and a rainbow ironing board! I have been doing my laundry for my new polo shirt this week. So I have been planning to buy these stuffs.

I admit that I was not only shopping but I was also shyly and silently fantasizing of being picked up while I was walking around Harrison. Harrison does have a reputation.

But the urge did not totally disappear. I still felt bitin. I bought the steam iron and the ironing board 20 minutes before the mall closed. I was still tempted. I was still wanting.

I just dropped the things I bought at my pad then I went out. The night is still young, I thought. I went to Orosa’s Pride Exchange and Top & Bottom store. I looked at the clothes and accessories. I almost bought a 400 pesos pride-rainbow colored umbrella. Maybe I should buy and display it in my new solo cubicle inside the new office? I checked on lubes, dildos, gay films, and adult gay videos.

I admit [again] that I was there with the purpose of buying an all European cast of Chi Chi LaRue videos! And I did. I bought two films - Medieval Knights (European) and the Road to Naples (Italian). I was in a dilemma if I prefer Asian for the night but… European men seem like gods.

And when I got out of the store, somehow I felt better. Was I able to successfully reduce or release it? Or just acknowledging and accepting my urges - this horniness - was just enough?

When I bought those videos, I allowed my ego (Freudian’s reality principle) to compromise with my id (Freudian’s pleasure principle). And I think the id was temporarily appeased. The id thinks, “I have something to look forward when I go back to my pad tonight.”

I have not seen the videos yet. I decided to make another stop and write about how I feel. Plus, I further sublimated my urges through checking Statistics lab worksheets of my students while drinking Starbucks venti iced caramel macchiato here in Adriatico - making my superego (Freudian’s moral principle) satisfied.

I am feeling better now – way better. I am not shaking anymore. My anxiety for the project I mentioned temporarily dissipated. [Promise, I will work on it tomorrow afternoon, since the deadline of some articles will be tomorrow. “Procrastinator!” my superego whispered.]

I can survive the night now. When I will walk the streets of Adriatico, Nakpil, and Orosa to my pad, I will not be tempted or seduced. I will not be scared or anxious anymore. I am stronger. I am stable now.

And when I get home, I might use my new steam iron and rainbow ironing board in ironing a polo shirt for work tomorrow. I will take a good bath. I will call my boyfriend and ask him about my beloved hometown.

Then before I sleep, I will invite the European men to my dreams.