Ideal Partner

It is almost two years now since M. and I broke up and two months now since I transferred back to Cebu. I've met and dated (and some mated -- wink!), yet still, no boyfriend.

Ano ba type mo?

When someone asks me this question, I remember the list I wrote to M on our first email exchanges.

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To: m.@yahoo.com

From: teban@yahoo.com

Sent: Wed 1/25/2005 11:46 AM

Subject: ideal partner

Hey M,

I told you I am sending an email about my ideal partner. Take note that I am recently heartbroken with someone I dated for two weeks. So I guess these are all rationalizations. But I think it has some truth in it, more or less. But a friend told me that these characteristics could be a projection of what I want my ex to be like. Oh well, here goes… Characteristics are not in order!

1. Intellectually stimulating

2. Physically attractive to me.

3. An artist heart

4. Knows how to empathize.

5. Articulate

6. Adventurous spirit.

7. Sex-Male. Sexual orientation- preferably gay and comfortable with one’s sexuality and sexual orientation. (Preferably already out of the closet)

8. Values love, commitment, respect, fidelity, honesty, forgiveness, hope, humility, and patience.

9. Sexual Being

10. Strong, willful yet not afraid to show one’s vulnerable soul.

11. Bourgeois yet jolog.

12. Believes in marriage and growing old together

13. Not an alcohol, cigarette, or drug dependent.

14. Willing to watch movies with me and talk about it afterwards

15. Have good role models for love.

16. High need for nurturance and succorance

17. Affectionately romantic

18. Massages my feet when I had a tired day.

So how did you fair? What is your score? Next time I will make a ratio data scale instead of just making a checklist. Wahahaha.

Teban

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To: teban@yahoo.com

From: m.@yahoo.com

Sent: Wed 1/25/2005 11:35 PM

Subject: RE: ideal partner

Teban,

13 out of 18. I don’t meet these criteria:

#2. Physically attractive to me.

#3. Artist heart

#6. Adventurous spirit

#11. Bourgeois yet jolog.

#18. Massages my feet when I had a tired day.

Footnotes:

But actually, I have a strong appreciation of the arts (I love literature -- you should see my library -- poetry, paintings, music, theater, museums) and I love talking about art) but I’ve always had difficulty dealing with the artist's drama and temperament (based on my ex who's an artist and the other artists I’ve dated)... gosh, I'm being too honest!!!!

I'm probably ½ check for adventurous. Sexually, I am quite.

Bourgeois yet jolog could be another ½ check. I watch Lovers in Paris for heaven's sake! I also know a lot of showbiz dish. But jolog really doesn't describe me.

I've actually massaged the feet of my loves... but it's not something that I feel is integral to my character.

I will sleep over my ideal characteristics and write you tomorrow....

M.

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To: m.@yahoo.com

From: tebam@yahoo.com

Sent: Thurs 1/26/2005 11:15 AM

Subject: Footnotes

Dear M,

I thought you could be hooked with smoking. Hehehe.

Hey, now thinking about it, I think you have an artist heart. You love to write!

What do you mean by artist's drama and temperament? Can you operationally define? But don’t we all like a little drama in our life? I am sure you have your dramatic moods too. I wonder what you are like… mataray ka yata eh.

I added artist heart as criterion so that my partner can understand the things I like/love to do. But I think my strengths of spontaneity and empathy developed because I am an artist.

Adventurous spirit means someone I can travel and do extreme sports together! Hehehe I still dream of bunjee jumping or skydiving. I also dream of going back to Sagada and touring the whole Luzon! (Actually, as my travel life goal is to tour around the Philippines!). Hmmm... sex? Although I am a sexual being. I still think I am conservative. Sigh.

Jolog naman siguro ako. Nag ateneo lang kaya medyo nahaluan ng pagka-elitista kung magsalita at kung mag isip. Eh alam mo naman buhay artist at buhay instructor lang, kulang ang sweldo, so may panahon na cowboy eating.

The feet massage? Sabayan mo na lang ako magpa-thai massage when I’m tired. Hahaha I have a flat foot. It usually aches after a long day, lalo na kapag nakatayo ako the whole time like giving a training or teaching!

Hay naku, I am disclosing too much na rin. Ok lang yun kung honest ka masyado... wala naman mawawala at masisira eh. Now, I think these ideal partner criteria are also characteristics that I possess? I think I am looking someone who is similar in lifestyle, dream,s values, and ideas. 

I am waiting for you list. 

Teban

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To: teban@yahoo.com

From: m.@yahoo.com

Sent: Thurs 1/26/2005 5:28 PM

Subject: RE: Footnotes

Teban,

Nope, I can't stand cigarette smoke. And I also have asthma.

The literature people in UP call me the scientists who is a humanist. I like writing, but not creative works. Although my dream is to be able to write poems, short stories, novels. Dream nga no?

Of course we all have drama in our lives, that's natural and important for character building. But I don’t like hystrionics! It's so baduy! Dati pinapatulan ko yan. Ngayon, I just ignore! Ayaw ko nung mga magpapakamatay pag-iniwan ko! Hahaha

How am I in my dramatic moods? You should watch the movies of Lolita Rodriguez. Hahaha. Oh, but you're too young to know her.

I vowed that I will only visit sagada with the person I love. Relevant ba yan?

Sabi ni L, para ka daw si kris aquino magsalita! Hahaha! Joke! I don't like cowboy eating when I’m with other people. Ok lang if I'm by myself.

Baka dapat naka high-heels ka when teaching -- as in stilleto (tama ba spelling ko?). let's get you a foot massager/spa na lang... Hehehe

O game ka na? Here are my 20 (20 para rounded figure) characteristics of ideal partner as of 5:15PM January 26 (subject to change without prior notice).

1. Nag-iisip at sanay mag-isip

2. Mahilig magbasa

3. Marunong magsalita and magsabi kung ano ang nasa-isip niya

4. May ambisyon at may plano sa buhay

5. May kumpiyansiya sa sarili at sa kaniyang mga kakayahan

(Mag-english na ako ha?)

6. Financially stable (not necessarily rich)

7. Can be sensitive to needs of others (i.e., not too self involved o egotistical)

8. Willing to express love in different ways

9. Can make me smile

10. Does not have too much drama in life (e.g., taking care of a dying relative, etc.)

11. Knows how to make me feel special (especially when I need to feel better)

12. Someone who can let me be weak and vulnerable and stupid

13. Someone who can let me be imperious, obnoxious or bull-headed on a few occasions.

14. Likes the arts and the other fine things in life

15. Has compassion for the poor and disadvantaged and tries to do something for them

16. Knows how to enjoy sex with a partner (Haha! yung iba kasi pang solo lang)

17. Takes care of his health, body and appearance

18. Clean looking and has clean skin

19. Has broad shoulders, smiling eyes and bushy eyebrows

20. Doesn't smoke but drinks alcohol occasionally (tama ba spelling ko?)

You know it's actually nice that I can talk about this kind of stuff with someone. This usually happens when I go on dates, but since I haven't dated in a while, I find the talk refreshing. Especially since my most immediate ex was and is unable to talk about such things.

Don't you think there is something incomplete with the notion of "ideal partner"? It's asymmetrical (tama ba ang spelling ko?). We specify what's ideal for us, but we are silent on whether we are ideal for that partner.

Lately, I have been thinking of how I can be Mr. Right for somebody, rather than finding Mr. Right. But I realize that if I overdo that, I could lose myself and just become a transformed character that someone finds ideal.

I suppose that in the notion of "ideals" in a relationship, there has to be reciprocity and symmetry.

And the truth is, I don't always like ruminating about things like this. Hehehe

Nakakatuwa ka ka-email :-)

Game! How did you score?

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To: m.@yahoo.com

From: teban@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri 1/27/2005 3:40 PM

Subject: Your Ideal Partner

M.

Ay sorry, di ako magpapakamatay sayo. Di ako ganun ka artistahin. =)

Sheesh di ko kilala si Lolita Rodriguez. Hehe

Stiletto ang spelling, I had to google it! Hahaha

So how do I fair? Hehe. Eh diba, we have self-serving biases? Hehehe. Bahala ka na mag judge.

#1. Nag-iisip at sanay mag-isip

Yup. I’m a rational being naman. Lahat gustong i-process. Hahaha. I’m open rin to new learnings! Kaya kahit ano basta for self-actualization!

#2. Mahilig magbasa

Hmmm... relatively yes, but not usually academic books - pero minsan kung requirement kailangan basahin. I read children's books. I always have a book on my bedside table though... but finishing them [on time] is another thing. ;P

#3. Marunong magsalita and magsabi kung ano ang nasa-isip niya

Yeah, I think I am articulate enough.

#4. May ambisyon at may plano sa buhay

Marami. Pero executing my plan is another story. =)

#5. May kumpiyansiya sa sarili at sa kaniyang mga kakayahan

Most of the time. Self-esteem naman changes eh, depende sa araw, sa mga tao, sa mga pangyayari. But yeah, I think I have a good sense of self in a normal day. =)

#6. Financially stable (not necessarily rich)

Sheesh. I’m struggling and not rich. I’ll get zero points for this. Allowance ko pag college mas malaki pa kay sa nakukuha ko dito sa work ko! Darn! I’m actually open to much rewarding job now. =P

#7. Can be sensitive to needs of others (i.e., not too self involved o egotistical)

Check. Hopefully, not to the point of losing what I need too.

#8. Willing to express love in different ways

I tell my students that love - a very abstract concept - should be shown in visible ways. Since we are humans, to perceive love, one must sense love. Love must pass through the senses! (Be seen - giving gifts at magpa-guapo, can be heard - saying sweet nothings and I love yous, can be smelled - kaya ka nagpapabango, can be tasted - chocolates and kissing!, can be touched - cuddling, holding hands, and sex!)

#9. Can make me smile

Napatawa na kita sa mga email ko diba?

#10. Does not have too much drama in life (e.g., taking care of a dying relative, etc.)

Nope. Wala naman.

#11. Knows how to make me feel special (especially when I need to feel better)

Hmmm... I know how to make others feel special but with you I think I need to know you more. Know what softens your heart. *winks*

#12. Someone who can let me be weak and vulnerable and stupid.

Hahaha. Unconditional positive regard is one skill I am practicing and perfecting. =) You could be my guinea pig.

#13. Someone who can let me be imperious, obnoxious or bull-headed on a few occasions.

Sure, why not. As long as I can tell you that were obnoxious, and imperious, and bull headed afterwards. =)

#14. Likes the arts and the other fine things in life

Definitely.

#15. Has compassion for the poor and disadvantaged and tries to do something for them.

Full blooded Jesuit ako from kindergarten to college. Men and women for others ang motto namin.

#16. Knows how to enjoy sex with a partner (haha! yung iba kasi pang solo lang)

Sex is not sex when you do not enjoy it with the partner. Dancing yang sex. Cliche but takes two to tango. Masturbation lang yan solohan!

#17. Takes care of his health, body and appearance

I just enrolled at fitness first lifestyle program- passport.

#18. Clean looking and has clean skin

Guess you will have to see me and my skin. Minsan tamad ako mag clean looking hahaha. Jolog ako diba? Hehehe kung mag artist mood di yata ako neat looking eh. Ooops.

#19. Has broad shoulders, smiling eyes, and bushy eyebrows

How about flat stomach? Buti na lang di mo sinali kasi malaki ang tiyan ko!

#20. Doesn't smoke but drinks alcohol occasionally (tama ba spelling ko?)

Yup. I don’t like the smell of smoke on me. I only learned to be tipsy and enjoying the life experience of drinking just recently. =) I liked it. Yup, occasionally. Tama ang spelling mo.

I think your ideal partner never exists. I mean who could compete with your imagination, right? [It is like reading a book, and then watching the movie adaptation. The movie will always be a disappointment because it can never compete how you vision it in your mind.]

Yeah, I agree that it is a totally asymmetrical (tama ang spelling mo! =)). I used to tell my students that there is no Mr. Right but you make yourself right, you make the situation right. But you’re right too, making yourself the right one for the other guy, one runs the risk losing of yourself.

Darn, love is such a mystery. There is no made up recipe to make it work. I agree with giving and receiving love (the reciprocity) and the equity (symmetry) in "ideal" relationships. Partners change (not totally and not drastically though) when they will be together. Ideals change too.

Now, I’m not sure if my blabbering makes any sense. 

Diba you had a teacher who theorized love as a triangle? Hehehe. =)

Teban

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To: teban@yahoo.com

From: m.@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri 1/27/2005 6:06 PM

Subject: RE: Your Ideal Partner

Oh, yeah, I did. He was left by his first wife, and married a pretty young Venezuelan who hardly spoke English...hahaha!

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To: m.@yahoo.com

From: teban@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri 1/27/2005 6:36 PM

Subject: RE: Your Ideal Partner

Really??? HAHAHAHA.

That is an interesting fact that I can share to my students. :)

Why is it like that? I heard that two famous love writers and now love gurus were actually ex-couples. Maybe we get better after making our own theories.

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To: teban@yahoo.com

From: m@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri 1/27/2005 7:01 PM

Subject: RE: Your Ideal Partner

But who said good love has to be forever ba? I dream of love that's forever, but know that in real life that's not always the case. I believe love can be great even if it's not forever. But forever is still the ideal.

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To: m.@yahoo.com

From: teban@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri 1/27/2005 7:15 PM

Subject: Good Love

Hey, this is new insight for me! Good love need not be forever. It makes me appreciate my failed relationships too. Kasi diba, ang pagiisip natin or usual people think kung magbreak-up it was not good love. Also, it lessens the pressure on my next relationship. I don’t need to think of forever (although I dream of forever too). All I need is to make my next relationship good. =)

I like what Ally McBeal said on an ideal partner, “We kept on making up standards on our ideal guy, but we always now that in the end, the person we love will always be an exception.”

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To: teban@yahoo.com

From: m@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri 1/27/2005 7:35 PM

Subject: RE: Good Love

Hayan, I'm happy that I was able to share with you something new. I feel like I have taught you at least one good thing already :-) O sige, tama na yun! Uwi muna ako.

Ingat.

M.

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M. and I, it didn't last forever but it was good. =)